Brandon Vaughn.

Whole30

Starting with the New Year I committed to a month-long Paleolithic “Caveman” diet.  

It’s the dietary equivalent to putting menthol cigarettes out on your gasoline soaked dick tip, but the health benefits are undeniable. It is now day nine, and in addition to losing 8 pounds I’m also:

• experiencing constant nosebleeds
• seeing ghosts
• can talk to spiders
• possess a near photographic recollection of the teleplays for all 170 episodes of the sitcom “Empty Nest”
• smell when people are lying
• have day dreams that I’m married to a talking Monte Cristo sandwich named Cheryl
• have night terrors where a thick crust pizza assassin killed my sandwich wife
• sneezey-poot* every time my cell phone rings 

I have 3 more weeks lefts so if you see me out and I seem distracted or irritable just know that I am hungry and that I miss my wife.

- Brandon

* a sneezy-poot is when you sneeze so hard it makes you fart, duh.